Drowning Beautifully

Often times motherhood feels like silently drowning in a lazy river. Everyone around you is relaxing, enjoying their time; and you’re actively trying to keep your head above the water. Not only are you trying not to actually die, but you’re trying not to let anyone know you’re struggling. Looking over at the other moms in the water, wondering if their smiles and cute swimsuits are just as phony as your own. I have a feeling 90% of them are.

Three months ago my fourth son was born. He’s been a great baby, but managing 3 boys, 3 and under (3, 18mo, newborn), along with the homeschooled big brother (7), it’s a lot. One of my friends reached out to me about 8 weeks post-partum. “How are you doing?” And I knew she meant it. I poured my guts out to her, finding relief in saying the scary thoughts out loud to someone who would actually dare to say back “yea, me too”.

We chatted about bible verses, us sharing the ones we would recite under our breath through the moments where tears were swallowed down. And we both were able to find the humor in the drama of our chosen kitchen sink verses. “Though I walk through the valley of death…” Psalms 23 is mine. “We felt we had received the sentence of death…” 2 Corinthians 1:9 is hers.. WOW, that seems really dramatic when I say it out loud.. But that’s how early motherhood feels.. There is a death that comes with being a mother. The death of “self”. I’m not ME anymore, at least not the same ME before THEM. I’m still a person. But before anything else I’m “Mom”.

I think that’s something we forget to tell expecting or planning moms. Or maybe we subconsciously don’t tell them on purpose. Not to scare them and make them feel dread for what’s to come. But in the delivery room, each time but especially the first. It’s not just a baby being born into the world, but also a mother. And as that baby enters into this side of existence, so begins the active keeping afloat that we moms do.

But like most transitions, with every bit of the pain and discomfort and trying to smile through the drowning feeling, there’s also a beauty and love that words can’t describe. But it’s the kind of love and beauty that makes drowning worth it.