Did you take out the trash?

Chore Island

For years my husband and I divided chores like roommates. There were “Mom chores” and “Dad chores”. Nothing is black and white, there were times that I did dishes and times that he would mop. But the majority of the time, not happening. Here’s the problem though, I’m faster at chores. My husband not so much. It was causing resentment in our marriage. I couldn’t understand why it was taking him so long. He felt like he was alone on chore island. I would offer suggestions on how to speed up the process. To him it sounded like judgement. He felt alone, unappreciated, and overwhelmed. I felt the same. Neither of us could hear the other. We both stood on our islands, across an ocean of laundry and sippy cups, wishing the other would just see us.

You start first

One night, it was like it always was, I was finished with my list and I just wanted to watch a movie and not fuss at each other. I walked into the kitchen. Hoping he would be finished with the dishes. He wasn’t. Not even close. 20 minutes in, and he had only gotten through the plates. I was getting ready to tell him how to do it the “right” way. “Hey”.. Then I finally saw him. His shoulders dropped, he sighed with disappointment in himself. I saw him, tired, doing his best, and feeling defeated. It was subtle enough that I had missed it before and he didn’t notice himself doing it. I don’t know if it was the postpartum hormones, but I saw him.

He knew what I was going to say, he started “I’m trying, it’s just…” I stopped him “Can I help?”. Within 10 minutes, dishes were done and we were doing exactly what we both really wanted. Watching TV, our newborn resting comfortably in Dad’s lap, the house clean, and us both feeling “seen”.

Hey…

The next day, the night played out again. Our nights are usually pretty routine. I walked into the kitchen after finishing my list. This time he turned to me hopeful. 10 minutes later we were done, laughing at the sink. He confessed that he liked the new arrangement, and I agreed. So we’ve continued. He still worries sometimes that he’s not doing enough. I still find myself wanting everything to just be “right”. But were finding a new way to get the list done. Instead of Yours and Mine, its OURS. There are of course still things that we don’t share often. He scoops the litter box because the basement freaks me out (spooky), I mop because he prefers not to. But the majority, we’ve started to share. Slowly but surely a bridge is starting to be built across the sea of sippy cups.